retrospect

This is it.  I don't know a good way to say this, but I think I'm going to stop for a while.  I may start up again at some point in time, but for now, I am done.  It's as simple as this...I need to let my real life take over for a while.  I need to stop sitting with my nose in my laptop when I should be getting other things done.  I need to holiday shop and get more sleep and clean my house more often.  I need to spend more time talking to my husband.  I need to break my current cycle I've been in.  It's so easy to sit in front of the computer instead of talking on the phone with friends or getting other things accomplished. 

So, forgive me if I don't visit you as often as I typically do.  I will come around and say "hi" periodically, and there are many of you I'll miss if I don't "see" you every day.  I promise I'll be back again - most likely on a different blog site.  I'll start clean and fresh and I'll probably tell my husband I'm doing it.   As much as I've enjoyed my clandestine little blog, it feels kind of wrong to be doing it secretly. 

For now, goodbye.

I'm here in Vegas for a conference, so all of my current "Thursday Thirteen" thoughts seem to be about this town...

1. I know people love this place, but there's something I just find so sad about it.  There are plenty of people who are having fun, but there's just as many sitting alone at game tables or slot machine looking sad and desperate.
2. I'm at the Flamingo, which is one of the older hotels.  It's perfectly fine for my purposes, but my window overlooks Caesar's and Celine Dion's singing head is running on the big video screen in front every time I look out the window - I fear it will give me nightmares!
3. Of all the shows to go see, my boss bought us tickets to see Gladys Knight (and the "pip") last night.  I mean it when I say "the pip".  The one living pip (her big brother Bubba Knight) is a silly part of her show.
4. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I really enjoyed myself.  Who knew that I knew that many Gladys Knight songs?
5. Most of the people in the crowd were stereotypically what you would expect from a crowd at a Gladys Knight show.  Lots of people over 40.  However, there was one table that was an exception.  There was a table of black-dyed-mohawk-wearing twenty-somethings that were grooving and singing and clapping and yelling and having a great time.  I'm still trying to figure that one out.  The tickets were expensive, so they had to really want to be there.
6. Something that totally caught me off guard was all of the indoor smoking.  I live in an area that limits indoor smoking pretty much everywhere, so all of the cigs surprises and quite honestly, annoys me.
7. There are waaaaaaay too many restaurants to choose from when you're only here for a few days.  If anyone has any good ideas for a nice restaurant tonight, please offer it up in my comments.  I'll check it after my conference ends and before we hit the streets to figure out what we're going to do.
8. I  keep expecting to see famous people.  I know that's stupid.  But, I do.  I always feel the same way when I'm in NYC, but I never do.
9. I left my camera home and I'm mad at myself about that (sorry, J. Star)!
10. Spending the next two days at a conference about employment law makes me want to cry and it hasn't even started yet.   Just not my idea of a good time.
11. I've never seen a taxi line at an airport as long as the one we stood in yesterday.  I'm not exaggerating when I say it took us an hour in a long amusement-park-style line before it was finally our turn.
12. Any time my flight is over four hours long, it is a guarantee that I will sit next to a child, a talker, or a smelly large man.  Never fails.  This trip, it was the smelly large man who was a mix of bad cologne, morning breath, and the three gin and tonics he drank.  Plus, he was also a talker, so I got to hear about every trip to Vegas he and his wife have ever taken.  I also got to hear about professional bull riding tournaments (which was the reason for this particular trip to Vegas).  Ah, good times.
13. Off to take a shower to head over to the monstrosity and confusion that is Caesar's Palace.
14. Bonus #14 - does it make me a bad person and unamerican that I just don't really like this place very much?

Go see Leanne for her Thirteen.  She is the matriarch of this fun Thursday activity and her lists never fail to be more interesting than my own.  Plus, she links to lots of other fun sites that play along.  To all of my normal linkees - sorry I won't be around to link back to you today!

I dunno know why she swallowed the fly....

This is what my day was like.  That damn children's book/song.  Here's a synopsis...
I leave for work, normal time.
I get to parking garage, reach into my console to grab my cell phone and wallet and wait...no wallet.  Damn.  Left wallet at home.  Big sigh.  That's okay - by a weird fluke, I have my credit card in my pocket so I can buy myself coffee/lunch/whatever else I need during the day. 
I hike to my office from my parking garage.
I take the elevator the to 11th floor, go through the badge-protected door, walk to my cube and.. Damn.  My laptop is in the bottom drawer of my file cabinet, which is locked.  Guess where the key is?  You guessed it...my wallet, which is at home on my kitchen counter.

So, my laptop is locked in my file cabinet whose key is in my wallet which is at home in my kitchen.  (Starting to get the connection to the lady who swallowed the fly?)  Damn.

So.  I take the elevator back down to the atrium in my building, call my husband and say, "do you want to have a good laugh at my exense?  Well, listen to this..."  I regale him with the story, to which he showed an appropriate amount of empathy.  By this time it is around 6:50am and I'm supposed to be meeting my friend, lil'A for coffee on the other side of downtown.  But here's the thing.  I had emailed her yesterday to confirm, but I couldn't access my email to find out if she was able to meet me.  To make it worse, I don't have her new office number programmed in my cell and her cell was turned off.  I leave her a voicemail, then decide to hit the road to take the 30 minute drive back home to retrieve the wallet.  My husband had asked me why I don't just work from home....

Follow along here - my Palm hadn't been synced and my calendar is - you guessed it - on the laptop, which is locked in the desk, whose key is in the wallet that is sitting in my kitchen. 

As a result, I didn't know what I had on my calendar today to know whether working from home was even a possibility.  Damn.  Off I went, back up the highway, pulled into the driveway, ran in the house where husband and children stared at me like I was crazy, grabbed my wallet, gave kisses to all, and ran back out the door.  Didn't even say a word.  Now, my thirty minute drive turns into a 50 minute drive thanks to rush hour traffic. 

Damn.  Damn.  Damn.

By 8:30, I was in my office, sitting at my desk with an extra large steamy cup of java.  I originally left my house at 6:15.

I dunno why she swallowed that fly.  Perhaps she'll die.

I have a picture frame that I pull out every year before Halloween.  It has pumpkins and ghosts and bats on it.  Inside the frame is a picture of my kids in their Halloween costumes from the prior year.  If I open up the back and remove the cardboard, every year is stacked on top of eachother inside...the first two years, it was Carson alone.  Then, Nic was born and it became the twosome.  Eventually, I'm sure Carson will give up trick-or-treating before his brother, and the pics will become Nic alone.  That's the nature of the cycle.  The other day, I pulled them all out and had a bittersweet walk down memory lane as I looked at the old shots.

Year one, Carson was five months old and I painstakingly made him an awesome rasta outfit.  He had this great tie-dyed onesie.   I gave him these mini John Lennon style purple glasses and I made a rasta hair wig.  All of this for a lump that was asleep in his infant swing long before the first trick-or-treater showed up at the door.  Made for great video, though.

Year two, everyone who has ever had a toddler knows those are the years of overalls.  Every toddler I've ever known has worn them.  I decided to add a plaid shirt and some hay and a straw hat.  Voila - a scarecrow.  A screaming, crying, tantrum throwing scarecrow.  "It's itchy" was all I could hear.  It wasn't long before the hay was removed and the scarecrow turned into a farmer.

Once Nic was born, the years blurred together...we had a bumblebee, we had the cat in the hat, we had a pirate, we had spiderman.  It was about that time when Carson decided "cute" wasn't going to get it anymore.  We had a dead pirate (a la Pirates of the Carribean), we had a series of ninjas in multiple colors, we had a skeleton, we had a swamp creature. 

This year, we had "The Crypt Keeper" (Carson) and "The Night Slasher" (Nicholas).  Nice.  My main rule when we went looking was, "no blood".  I just am not quite ready for that - nor will I ever be.  But, they just aren't cute anymore.  They don't want to be cute. 

So, as I sat on the floor looking through all of the prior year pictures, it was kind of bittersweet.  They're growing up.  Tonight was a milestone for Carson.  We had a party and their were tons of kids who were all going trick-or-treating.  Carson and four of his friends were allowed to go alone for the first time ever while the parents hung with the younger kids.  So, walkie talkies in hand, and given strict rules, the five 10 year olds hit the streets:

• Don't scare or run over any young kids
• Say thank you
• Stay in the part of the neighborhood that is familiar
• Watch for cars and remember that no adult, for any reason, should be asking five 10 year old kids for help of any kind
• Check in on the walkies every now and then and, if we call you, you better answer!
• Come home when we say it's time
• Make good choices and if one of your friends is not making good choices, speak up and tell him so
• Stick together
  

They were so proud to be out alone and they were so awesome.  At one point, one of the boys called us on his walkie to tell us that they rang this one doorbell and when the two year old at the house saw them, he burst into tears because he was scared.  So, all five of them took off their creepy masks and talked to the little boy to make sure he knew they were okay.  They didn't leave the house until they made the little boy laugh because they felt bad.  After that, they kept their masks off because they were worried they'd scare the little ones.  How sweet is that?  And how sweet is it that they called us to tell us the story? 

I love giving him these little bits of independence and, as I told him, every time he proves to me that he is responsible enough to handle it, he makes me want to give him more.  I was tremendously proud of him tonight.  Nicholas' best friend, R, was also here tonight (the little brother of one of the five kids already mentioned) and he told me that it was the best Halloween he's ever had.  Just like I love to give Carson some room to spread his wings, I love when Nic finds his own niche.  He and R trooped around, glad to be brotherless and alone to do their own thing.  I walked the neighborhood with them and it made me smile to see my younger one so happy and independent in his own six year old way. 

Tonight, I was tucking them into bed and Carson hugged me, kissed me on my cheek and said, "Thank you, mom.  I had a really great time tonight.  Do you think we can do it this way again next year?"  I didn't skip a beat before I said, "You proved to me tonight that you are responsible enough to do this, so you absolutely can do it again next year."  He smiled BIG and said, "I really love you."  Rolled over, closed his eyes, sighed a big sigh and immediately went to sleep.  I stood there and watched him for a few minutes feeling...full.  I don't know any other way to describe it...just - full.

I'm sitting at my best friend's house, waiting for her daughters to wake up.  I had to get up at 4:30 this morning to be here so B could take her husband in for jaw surgery.  So, they're at the hospital, and I'm stealing wifi from some neighbor while I wait for the girls to get up.  I have to get them ready for school and drive them there.  Her daughters are the same ages as my boys and it's amazing how different it is getting them ready.  My boys' routine is a quick one...they're usually up, fed, dressed, teeth brushed and on the bus within 40 minutes.  The directions she left me for her girls is over an hour and fifteen minutes long.  Funny how family routines can be so different.

I'm sleepy.
I'm on my second cup of coffee.
I really wanted to participate in the Thursday Thirteen this week, but I can't wake up my brain enough to do it.  Maybe later on today.
My friend's house is SO MUCH cleaner than mine.
Leanne gave me a tip about blogsome.com and I've been playing around over there.  It's a pretty cool site, so maybe I will eventually jump the blog.com ship - yes, J...you can say "I told you so!" but I won't go to blogger.  :)
I first need to get back in the blogging mood before I put forth the effort to make the changes.  Right now, it seems like a lot of effort and I haven't been writing much.  So, we'll see!
Gotta run!  I hear the girls...

Truthfully, I haven't been in the writing mood, so I'm sorry I've been neglectful of my blog.

For those of you trying to convince me to move to another provider (J. Star), I would be neglectful (J. Star) if I didn't say that blogger has been down much more than blog.com has in the past month...so, forgive me if I stay!  : )

I am tired and way too busy, so I may not be here too much this week!   Please forgive me for that, too.

I had a great time out with the girls tonight and will write about it soon.  I met some girlfriends to giggle with, get a little buzz with, flirt with french soccer players with...oh, and giggle with.  It was loads of fun.  And did I say we did a lot of giggling?

I have this friend, her name is the same as mine.  She's a bit on the raunchy side and I love that about her.  She brings out a wilder side of me that hasn't been seen in a while and boy, have I missed that side of myself.  She's drop dead beautiful in a wholesome, athletic, freshly scrubbed kind of way.  If I were a man or a lesbian, I'd be totally into her....*snicker*

Hanging out with her also reminds me way too much of what it was like to be in college with a drop dead gorgeous roomate that made me feel like I faded into the wallpaper any time I was out with her.  It was always Elizabeth and her roomate.  It was Elizabeth that was remembered.  Beautiful, blond haired, blue eyed, skinny little Elizabeth and her really nice roomate, E.  Ah, yes...always the invisible friend.  Still the invisible friend...Another post for another day.

I've consumed more alcohol in the past few weeks than I have in years.  Not sure what this new trend is...kind of odd.

I'm leaving for Las Vegas for a work trip next week...I've never been there and I'm not particularly looking forward to it. 

I'll write something more substantial soon....

I drank a lot of gin last night.  The families on Carson's team had a get together and the kids played in the back yard while the parents hung out in the kitchen.  I don't think anyone planned to get drunk, but we started at 2:00 in the afternoon and the hours just slipped by.  Before I knew it, it was 6:00 and the gin and tonics had been going down a bit too easily.  I switched to water for the last hour and a half of the evening, so I was able to get my kids home safely.  Mike had another party to go to, I brought the kids home and dozed on the couch while they played on the computer.  At 10:00, I got them in bed, then I promptly put myself to bed as well. 

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, for a long time.  I mentioned yesterday that I had upset a friend of mine this weekend.  It still wasn't resolved and I couldn't stop thinking about it.  When you're buzzed on gin, gloomy things seem that much gloomier.  Anyway, I eventually fell asleep - I don't even remember hearing Mike come home.

Woke up this morning really refreshed - it's the first time in ages I've been able to sleep in past 7 am.  It felt good.  Got a lot done around the house and yard, went to Carson's soccer game (they won), Mike made his special potato soup, football is on in the background while I type this.  My friend seems to be giving me a break and I am appreciative - there is a conversation that probably still needs to happen, but I do believe we'll deal with it in the way we need to.

Time to get my head focused on a new week.  Hope you all have a good one...

Here are some things about my personality.
I hate to feel like somebody is mad at me.
I hate to feel like I've hurt somebody's feelings - whether it be unintentionally or not.
I hate to feel like nothing I say is the right thing.
I like to feel like I am a safe place for friends to lean.
I like to feel like I am trusted and valued.
I really hate to take a risk, share something, then feel like I'm being punished for it afterwards.

I am sad today.  I have made somebody upset - hurt feelings.  All in the name of feeling like I was making an honest statement about what I consider to be my own shortfallings.  The downstream effect, however, created a flood of hurt and frustration that I can't seem to figure out how to repair.  As a result, somebody I thought was a new friend has shut the door, locked the deadbolt and walked away.  Leaves me knocking on it, pleading to be let in.   

I may be a lot of things, but I am not purposefully hurtful to my friends.
This is a new friendship and I'm met with the first crossroads - do I throw in the towel and walk away?  Not that much is invested yet.  Or, do I keep trying to ask for forgiveness?  It's bad enough to cause anger and hurt knowingly - when you know what to do to fix it.  It's harder when you walk into it blindly - you can't take back your words, but you also can't think of what to say to fix it.  I know myself well enough to know that I won't just walk away.  I can't do that because I care about it too much.  The decision lies in the other person's hands - they have to choose to forgive.  Or not.

I'm disappointed in myself for the fact that I should have handled it with more care.  Maybe I didn't give it enough thought before I spoke.  Again, I can't take it back, but I can be angry with myself over it.

My friends are important to me.  Those who know me well know that I will lose sleep over this until it is resolved - one way or another.

We're home and he's fine.  A few of the more notable moments from our adventure this morning:

I was awoken at 4:41 am by Carson saying, "MOM...are you going to get up?  We need to go!"  My alarm wasn't set to go off until 5:00 am.  He stole my last twenty blissful minutes of sleep...

We finally leave the house around 5:30 am, drive to the hospital, and check in before I realized that I left my laptop at home, which is how I had planned to entertain myself while I waited.  Instead, I got the Today show in the surgical center waiting room.

Carson was a bit nervous, but not too bad - much more concerned with the fact that he had to strip naked other than his socks, put on a hospital gown that would have fit a grown man, and the realization that it was wide open in the back.  He couldn't understand why they were making him take his underwear off until I reminded him that one of the moles to be removed is on his right hip/butt area.  "they can't exactly do their work through your underwear, dude..."  "oh, yeah...well, that makes sense" was his response.

He listened to the nurse, the admissions lady, the nurse anesthetist, and the anesthesiologist intently.  Every single word was committed to memory.  When the anesthesiologist explained that after he drank the "cocktail", he would feel what it feels like to be "drunk", Carson stared him in the eye and dead-panned - "you do know that I'm only 9, right?  I'm too young to get drunk."  He was just joking, but the Dr. didn't know that and got really flustered.  It cracked me up.  When the nurse watched him throw back the medicine like a tequila shot, she dead-panned right back at him, "Good job.  That skill will come in handy in around 10 years."  That cracked me up, too.

When he started getting woozy, he could barely keep his eyes open and was slurring his words.  He turned to me, very seriously, and said..."Now I understand why they tell you not to drink and drive.  I'm really sleepy.  If I were driving a car right now, I would wreck."  Ah, life lessons during outpatient surgery.  Life is good.

The procedure went off without a hitch.  The Dr. and staff were all fabulous.  Carson came out of the anesthesia just fine and wanted pancakes when we got home.  He stretched out on the couch afterwards and around an hour later, I started having trouble keeping him still.  He wants to go to soccer practice tonight (uh...no.).  He asked the Dr. himself if he could play in his game on Sunday (most likely...yes.).  He wants to go out and play football with his neighborhood friends now (again...no.).  The worst pain comes from his hand where the IV was.   Nic just got home from school and wanted to hear all of the gory details.  He was sorely disappointed when I explained that I wasn't in the room when they "cut him" (his words, not mine).   The first week of November, Mike is having hernia surgery.  Until then, life is back to normal.

Happy weekend to all!

There are moments from time to time when I feel like the crapiest of crappy moms. Today is one of those days, and when I exlain why, I fear that I am going to sound really silly, but here goes...

Carson is having a VERY MINOR outpatient procedure tomorrow morning.  We have to be at the hospital at 5:30am where he is going to have two moles removed.  He's had these moles - one on his hip and one on his arm - since he was born.  They're not particularly scary or dangerous and repeated visits to the dermatologist have verified that they are currently of no concern.  However, as he's grown, so have the moles.  They're getting larger every year and his Dr. recommended going ahead and removing them now before they do become cause for concern.   Because of his age, this Dr. prefers to do it under anesthesia in a hospital setting rather than his office.  In truth, Carson prefers it that way, as he wants to sleep through it and wake up with it behind him.  

I am fully aware that any time anesthesia is used, there are basic dangers involved, potential side effects and risks.  That being said, it hasn't even occurred to me to be concerned about it.  My biggest concern leading up to this has been making sure his teacher sends home the work he will miss tomorrow because he'll have to miss a day of school.  His biggest concerns have been ruining his perfect attendance record and the potential to miss his soccer game this weekend if any stitches are required and his Dr. says "no soccer".  

Everyone that I've talked to has reacted so much more strongly than I, that I am beginning to get a complex about my lack of concern as a parent.  I've had no less than six friends demand that I call them as soon as he's done so they know he's alright.  It may just be friends trying to be supportive, and I certainly have the tendency to downplay things like medical issues, but am I crazy?  Should I be more concerned than I am?  Over the removal of a few moles?   I have around 10 hours left for you to set me straight...please weigh in!  Heather(or any other folks in the medical field...your vote gets twice the weight...)